At the moment, I feel trapped by motherhood. This may surprise you, as my kids are both teenagers, and it’s generally accepted that the baby years are the hardest. But I really didn’t feel like this when my two were tiny. I love my kids unconditionally and would – literally – die for them. Becoming a mum, though birth or adoption, is the most precious and wonderful thing, and I never take it for granted. But I find being a mum to teenagers the most demanding, worrying and restricting of all the stages of parenthood that I’ve been through so far*.
Parenting babies and young children
The things is (and I’m speaking from my own experience here – I realise that this isn’t the same for everybody), when kids are tiny you can generally control their world and make things OK for them. So if they’re upset, they’re probably tired, hungry, thirsty, bored or can’t find their favourite toy. And usually you can work out what the problem is and help them. It’s tiring, but they (mostly) go to sleep at a reasonable hour, which means that you have time in the evenings with your partner, if you have one. If you want a break, you can leave babies and young children with a babysitter. It’s easy to meet other parents with kids the same age – at playgroup, at nursery and at the school gate – and support each other through the various childhood stages. With babies and young children, you always know where they are, and when they go to friends’ parties your biggest worry is them having too much sugar. As for travelling, you just scoop them up and take them with you wherever you’re going – although you do have to drag some extra baby gear with you on your trip.
Parenting teenagers
With teenagers, it’s a whole lot more complicated. If your teen is upset it could be about anything, and they may not tell you what that anything is. It could be that they’re being bullied. Or maybe one of their friends is taking drugs and they’re worried about them. Or perhaps they’re feeling exam pressure. It could be that they’re unhappy about their weight, their skin, their clothes, their hair, their sexuality. If they talk to you about a problem (and it’s great when they do), you most likely can’t solve it, so all that you can do is discuss things with them, try to offer some advice and then (if you’re anything like me) take it on as your own worry.
Teenagers probably go to sleep later than you do, so you and your partner have no time to yourselves in the evenings – unless you go out. But your kids are now too old for a babysitter, so when you do go out you have to trust that your teen won’t raid the drinks cupboard, have their friends over for a party, leave the gas on, or do anything else to endanger themselves or others.
You don’t see other parents at the school gate because you don’t go near it – teenagers mostly travel to school independently or are dropped off by car. Your easy network of mum mates scatters, and although you’re still in touch with them it’s harder to find time to talk things over.
Teenagers’ social lives are independent of you (as they should be) and this means that you don’t always know where they are, who they’re with or what they’re doing. When they go to parties, you probably don’t know the parents of the person hosting the party, and you have no idea how responsible they are. You just have to hope that your child won’t drink so much vodka (and there will be vodka) that they pass out, and that they’ll be strong enough to keep away from drugs.
Travel and teenagers
Apart from all of the above, the hardest thing for me to handle at the moment is the limits that this particular stage of parenthood puts on our travels. Both of my teens have, at one time or another, refused to come on family holidays. Our daughter (now at Uni) has got past this stage and is now keen to travel, thank goodness, but our son would rather be at home than anywhere else. And that’s fair enough – he’s his own person, and just because travel is my passion, it doesn’t have to be his. But, at 15, he can’t stay at home alone, so we either have to entice him to come on family trips (see my post What to do when your teenager doesn’t want to go on your family holiday for how to do this) or we don’t go. Which makes me feel a bit sad and a bit hemmed in, although I know that this stage will pass.
Adventures close to home
So, I’ve decided to try and find ways to go on mini expeditions and adventures close to home, without the kids, to stop me from feeling trapped. I’m thinking of experiences such as kayaking in the New Forest, sleeping in a hammock in Kent, off-road driving in the Forest of Dean and climbing the O2, all of which I’ve tried and really enjoyed. Because in no time at all our son will be old enough to look after himself and I’ll be free to go where I want to go. In the meantime, it’s up to me to find adventures which are achievable right now.
Any suggestions?
Over to you
Do you ever feel trapped by parenthood, for whatever reason? What do you do when you feel like that?
*Apart from, possibly, when our son was initially placed with us for adoption and he didn’t have a passport. And then when we took him abroad for the first time and our social worker warned us that if he became ill while we were away then she or one of her colleagues would be coming out to join us on our holiday.
I had read this post last weekend but I don’t think my comment went through…but I wanted to tell you that this really resonated with me. The independent social life, the lack of interest in travel, the general heaviness of the choices and staying on the “right path,” and yes, even the vodka….all are familiar topics and hotspots in my house right now. I don’t know any of the parents of my teens’ friends (save for a few football parents) since we moved countries as my kids enter teen-dom. It is tough, and their attitudes don’t often reflect how I remember myself being at that age…I would have given anything to travel abroad as a teen! Anyway, all of this is important to share and discuss. Love your ideas of mini-getaways. I turned to weekend day hikes with other adults/friends to meet MY needs of exploration and activity. (meetup.com has been great for that, and no it is not a dating website, LOL). Great blog, looking forward to reading more. 🙂
Thanks for commenting Beth. It’s good to hear that others feel the same. That’s one of the reasons that I decided to write about it, because it’s a really tough stage and it can be very isolating. I like the idea of day hikes, that’s a very good idea. Which country are you in now?
We live in SW London now, will be three years this July! My husband and I love it, our kids are steadily coming around to it but they still miss things about America (mainly their friends and more sunshine). We are now looking at uni, including both here in the UK and back in the US. It’s stressful but exciting all at once!
Beth recently posted…Travel with Teens | Ropes Course + Zipline in Scotland
Sounds like you’re doing your best – good luck with it all!
Such an interesting post. It reminds me to make the very most of the early years of parenthood and not take them for granted. Short breaks are a great alternative and like you say, the phase you are currently in won’t last forever.
I know, I think that the end is nearly in sight!
What a great, honest post, Gretta. Wish I hadn’t lost touch with so many of the mums from babyhood and toddlerhood. Your idea of the mini-adventures is perfect – it goes along with my philosophy of making the most of every stage of family life.
So true about leaving your teen(s) at home alone for the evening. It can be harder if they’re by themselves rather than with a sibling (in case something happens) and/or if you know they’re intent on achieving an “aerial” cartwheel (I speak from experience). Really not looking forward to the vodka etc…..
Oh no, the aerial cartwheel scenario sounds a bit stressful Jane!
I can sympathise with much of this, Gretta. I remember losing contact with many other mums once our children moved to secondary school – no school gate to gather round.
As to the holidays, we were lucky that our lad, as an only child, was still happy to travel with us. In fact, even at university he wasn’t averse to the odd week away with mum and dad. But in those teen years we did have to put up with some moaning and walking a few feet behind us! And he did need time in his own room with an iPad.
What worked for us was a mixture of city breaks (Berlin, Oslo) and a couple of fly drives (Sweden was the best) where he could chill out on the back seat with his headphones on. Beach holidays weren’t as successful – maybe a bit body conscious in his mid teens?
Good luck persuading your boy to tag along with you. If I can help with any ideas, let me know x
Trish recently posted…Southwold in Suffolk is a wonderful winter warmer
Thanks Trish. I love the sound of all of those breaks (especially Sweden) but I don’t think my son would be up for any of them!
Oh wow! This is exactly how I am feeling. I am a single widowed Mum to two boys and I feel as if my wings have been totally clipped. I can’t really leave mine at home alone together as the youngest is 11 and his 15 year old brother lives in his own bubble only emerging for Wi-fi codes and feeding. I have started having little adventures while they are at school and having my mum come and live in once in a while for nights away. Not ideal but it keeps my itchy feet happy. Luckily mine do want to travel with me but that gets expensive when you are paying an adult price to avoid the exorbitant single supplement that I still have pay even with kids in tow, just to have a grunting teenager as my companion. I love them dearly but crave my freedom which is in sight but not there yet!!
That sounds really hard. I’m glad that you have your mum to support you and that you manage to get away sometimes.
Thank you for the honesty of this article! My kid is a toddler and this makes me realize I need to cherish the parts of our life right now that I definitely take for granted. It’s easy to dwell on the hard parts (lack of sleep, boredom) and gloss over the special parts that are so unique – squishy cuddles all the time, constant participation in her world etc. These won’t last forever, I need to soak them up so when she is a teenager, I will have sweet memories to hold onto when I want to explode 🙂 I love your solution to take time for solo adventures! Great plan!
Thank you Paradie. Yes, I’d say definitely make the most of it while they’re little, although it can be exhausting!
Oh how I remember those days!! I certainly found the teenage years far harder to cope with than when my children were tiny. Trouble is when your children are teenagers you may not be feeling so great yourself.
That’s very true!
I’d recommend Brownsea Island if you haven’t already been there. I also loved the chain ferry across Poole harbour.
Ooh, I haven’t been there, thank you for the suggestions Sandy.
I hadn’t thought of so many of these points – it’s so easy to assume parenting gets easier but there are so many challenges when they grow up, especially as they want independence perhaps earlier than they can have it. The idea of mini adventures is a great one, I hope it helps until this phase too is past.
Cathy (Mummytravels) recently posted…Porto travel tips: my travel lessons from Porto with kids
Thanks Cathy, it’s certainly a tricky time.
So much to look forward to – not!!
I can completely understand. For further depression please watch 13 Reasons Why, a drama on Netflix about bullying/teenage issues/high school.
Britpakgirl recently posted…The Great Chase — Angel
OK, I’ll have a look at that one!
I think your solution to go on mini adventures at home is brilliant. It’s fun, achievable, a great way to explore and is FAR better for the planet (at least I think so if it doesn’t involve a plane). But I do also feel your pain re the worry of parenting teenagers, and of course the loss we feel for their babyhood and busy child-centric years.
nicola recently posted…5 amazing Islington women
Thanks Nicola, I think it’s definitely going to help.
What a great post Gretta. I can’t even imagine this point yet, but I totally hear you, and think that you’re right. It will be harder when they’re older and I can no longer control them. It’s going to be very hard…
Thank you Ting – make the most of it while you’re in control!
Yes so well put. I feel it too. Hard to holiday with teens when all they want is WiFi and air-conditioning
*sigh*
Yes, the wifi requirement is very limiting too, I forgot about that!